The return of Cillet Bang

It seems like ages since I last did a mindless blog post, so just to keep all you nutters happy that read this, here’s my latest ramblings :) First up, I just wanna thank you all for sticking on the site while I was off-line for almost 2 weeks. I thought everyone would just go, “Ahh balls, he ain’t updated it, I’m gonna go elsewhere”, but you haven’t.

So, where’ve I been ? Well, Barbados .. woo! :) Barbados is lovely. It’s the second time we’ve been there, and provided you don’t mind the locals approaching you several times an hour on the beach (offering hats, jewellery, stuff made from coconuts), or more locals on the streets offering you “A smoke or some coke” a few times a day, it really is a very beautiful place. What gets me confused, and I say this with little evidence, thought or research, is why the British left Barbados and the other Caribbean islands ..

I mean, imagine it.. It’s a fair few years back and the Brits have colonised Barbados .. sure, there’s slavery ‘n stuff (bad yes), but then slowly it changed and the Brits said, “I say, let’s go back to Blighty, this lovely, hot sunny island where everybody drives on the left, playing cricket, golf and racing horses is no good for us”. How strange.. I don’t get it, it’s just like the UK – post boxes, our road signs, loads of round-abouts and everyone speaks English.. the only difference is the blinding 35 degrees celcius temperatures every day. Errrmm.. way that up with Britain.. Hmmm .. I know where I’ll be retiring matey !

Another un-researched and totally un-thought-out opinion I’d like to make.. The people of Barbados – the Bajans (and many other inhabitants of the Caribbean islands) live in houses like this one above. They’re nothing more than a large garden shed mounted on some rubble / bricks. Although this is their home, and to us it looks bad, you can’t help but miss the absolutely HUUUUUUUUUUUGE satellite dish stuck behind the house. This ain’t a Sky mini-dish, oh no – these things could receive TV pictures from Mars. They’re about 30 metres across and usually made of black mesh metal. Next to this monsterous satellite dish is a car or two. The cars and the satellite dish seem to be so out-of-place next to the crumbling shacks.

But hey, you have to love their attitude. I love the people in the Caribbean – it’s the way to be ! Stress? They’ve never heard of it – it’s too bloody hot to rush, and why rush? Everyone drives so slowly (partly due to the condition of the roads I’ll grant you) and nobody ever gets angry.

I’ll give you an example. One day we’re in this Taxi – it’s slightly different as it’s left-hand drive. There aren’t many American cars on Barbados as they drive on the left and therefore the steering wheel is on the right (I’ll get to the reason why that is significant in a moment). Anyways, we’re in this massive Chevy thing – you know the sort, 350BHP, but a 5.6Litre Engine (hello!!! Why do you guys use such massive engines and get such little power out of them!?) … Anyways.. where was I.. Oh yeah, we’re bobbing along at about 40mph when suddenly this guy pulls out straight in front of us. We grind to a halt fairly sharply, as does the car that’s pulled out. Now – the other car is a right-hand drive and the driver has his arm slung low out of the window and is looking at our taxi driver, who’s also hanging out of his window looking straight at him.

So what do we get ? Hand gestures? Horns? Swearing?

Nope, the taxi driver just waves him straight on. Sooo bloody relaxed it’s unbelievable. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s no rush. Power cut? Get your candles out maaaaaann, go down de beach and have a walk in da moonlight.. soon come maaan.

By the way, I saw a few American “dudes” on their Spring Break while we were there. All I can say is.. “Duuuuuddde!!! Dude!!! DUDE! WOAH!! DUDE!!!! MAAANN! That ROCKS !!! DUDE!!! DUDE!!! !!! DUDE!!! DUDE!!! MAANNN!!! OH COOL!! DUDE!!!” At one point I was getting a little annoyed with Spring Breakers, until… about 8 American teenage girls walked into the bar wearing what I can only describe as incredibly short torn skirts. When I saw these girls, with large torn slits in their skirts, my vocabulary reduced suddenly to “MAMA”

So, I’m back now and it’s Easter time. Hollow eggs get dished out this time of year, but it’s good to see that some people decide that a hollow chocolate egg just won’t do, and they’ve decided to fill it with chocolate themselves. Now that’s one hunka pure choccy baby!

Also, it’s good to get home to watch some decent TV. Boy-oh-boy that American TV piped into our apartment was utter bilge. I’ve had my fill of car commercials (Buy the New Chevy SUV ABC 123 with 0% Financing for just $995 down payment and a $275 monthly lease with a $4000 term-end payment now), Propolene commercials (lose weight now, you don’t need to do a thing, just take these pills you big lazy fat sh*t), or some 30-minute long advert for some “amazing value” thing that nobody really needs. “Buy one now and we’ll include a second useless item absolutely free – that’s an additional $30 value”.. AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!! And the way that commercials are crammed into programmes every damn 4 minutes just so that the advertisers ensure maximum irritation. AGHH! What’s the point of coming back to a TV show (like “Ellen” or that bloody “Regis and Kelly” or “Extra” or “Hollywood Uncovered” bla bla blaaaaaa) after 3 minutes of adverts to say, “Bye, see you tomorrow” ?! It seems to pick up later on though (on NBC, which I ended up watching one evening when we were about to go out) as the new American version of “The Office” came on. There should be NO unemployment in the USA if the daytime TV I saw is anything to go by. Gawd it’s baaddd!

Where was I going with that ?

Oh yeah, I was gonna link into this second excellent remixed TV advert by Jakazid, who brought us the earlier Esure remix (Calm Down Dear!). This time, he’s remixed the excellent Cillet BANG commercial I mentioned before.

By the way, I don’t have time to convert this SWF (flash) file to WMV right now (so you can play it on the Smartphone), but if anyone is willing to do it for me, just right-click here to download it.

Oh, and hello to everyone on the M40 who overtook me a couple of Tuesdays ago at around 4AM and this Saturday at about 10AM. Now, I know I was going a … bit .. quick (getting down to Gatwick from Lichfield is a bit of a trek).. however you guys must’ve been doing at least 120mph when you all flew past me. Good job I’m a responsible driver.. Tskk..