Any tiny ounce of street cred I might have left will now be blown out of the water. See, last night I ended up watching Coronation Street. For those of you who aren’t aware, there’s a pretty big storyline going on at the moment. It features a lady called Maya, who got together with this dude called Dev. Anyways, he decides that she’s a bit of a freak and he dumps her for another bird called Sunita – y’know the one, she was in Dinner Ladies with Victoria Wood. Lost yet ? You will be.. So.. Maya isn’t too happy about her bloke going off with this other bird, so when Dev and Sunita decide to get married, she tries to spoil it. She ends up getting dopey Sunita in jail and .. well, I missed a couple of weeks after that so I dunno what happened. Ermm… suffice to say that Maya went a bit more bonkers and decides to burn down every one of Dev’s shops. Oh yeah, he owns a large chain of small shops… a bit like Spar, but with more bog rolls for some reason.
So, the scene is set – Dev and Sunita and Sunitas parents are having a meal or something. This is what got me started – the patio door was open while they were having this meal (which you don’t do when it’s the middle of winter in the UK) and Sunitas mom constantly calls Dev “Dave”.. but the Corrie producers leave it in … which I can’t get… “She loves you so much Dave”… Who’s Dave?
Meanwhile, Maya is out and about setting fire to his shops. Dev gets a call saying that the alarm is going off at (insert random road name here) shop, so he goes off in his Saab (which he leaves in first gear all the way to make it sound like he’s rushing) to investigate. As soon as he gets out of his car – this happens. Now, for some obscure reason he’s fine – even though a large explosion has just gone off in his face. Then, just as the fire brigade arrive, he gets a call on his mobey dobey to say that another shop is in flames – oh no! Then, another call from some other random shop to say that the burglar alarm is going off. This is where things start going mad. He turns into some sort of general in Vietnam and shouts, “Get yourself out, save yourself! Take your kids, run ! Run!”. Again, he’s stuck in first gear doing all of about 6mph.
From this point on Coronation Street – the great British soap opera – goes into completely mental (but good) mode. Somehow I wish it was like this every day. Maya (pictured above right) goes a bit more mental and manages to tie up both Dev and Sunita when Dev returns to check up on her. Maya taunts them for a bit and then sets the flat on fire and leaves. She then sits at the end of the road in her MG watching the place blow up with them two stuck inside. Luckily they’re both rescued, but Maya goes completely nuts and decides to mow them down. This is where it goes way into mental territory. She goes head on toward them but they manage to jump clear and she Maya ends up smashing the car into the shop. At this point it turns into the Terminator movie.. everyone thinks Maya is dead, but suddenly her head pops up like Arnie in the movies and she revs the hell out of the engine again. But wait, around the corner comes one huge truck and blam, she gets turned into a pancake. Bloody hilarious I tells ya – I’ve never laughed so much.. :) However, it was great – a lot better than what bird put on afterward (Sex and the friggin City for the millionth time!!)
Anyway, I’ve now been distracted by the Soap Babes calendar for 2005 so I’m off.. :)