A bad Rover Metro

The first thing I wanted to mention here was something I read over at B3ta.com, which made me laugh. Please tune out for the next paragraph if you find anything offensive because it’s about a sexual action called the “Spiderman”…

“Is a girl I’ve been shagging for a few months but not really ‘going out with’, as my heart lies elsewhere.

Anyway, cut a long story short, she’s moving up to Glasgow in 2 weeks, and as a going away gift for her, my mates between them have offered me 90 if I can film myself performing a ‘Spiderman’ on her.

FYI A ‘Spiderman’ is the art of pulling out just before the vinegar strokes, chucking your fat into your hand, then flinging it in the girls face whilst triumphantly shouting “Go web go!!”


Anyway… sorry about that :) Last night I watched the classic “Italian Job” on (I think) BBC3. You just can’t beat the Italian Job, and no – I’m not talking about that “why the frig did they call it the Italian Job when it’s pretty much got frig all to do with Italy apart from the first 20 minutes..” film that was released recently. Sure, there’s some plot similarities between the 2003 version and the original. For example, there’s Mini Coopers… and there’s a heist… and that’s about it really. So no, what I’m talking about is the 1969 original with Michael Caine as Charlie Croker, Noel Coward as Mr. Bridger and even Benny Hill. There’s some quality bits in this film, such as they three posh blokes driving the Mini Coopers who are introduced by Charlie as they prepare for the trip to Italy..

“Second, the getaway. This will be done in three Mini Coopers. They will be driven by Chris, Tony and Dominic.”

“(In posh voices) Hello, chaps.”

(Derisive groans)

“Alright! These chinless wonders will get you out of Turin faster than anyone else on four wheels. Remember that.”

Quality. Let’s not forget the “You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off”, line by Mr Michael Caine too.

So, this film-watching got me thinking as we were helping my folks look for a new car again this weekend. While they were off looking at a perfectly suitable motor for their needs, we ended up going around the back of the garage and looking at some of the other vehicles that were being sold. I have to confess that at first glance this particular one looked… almost OK. For 250 you can get this lovely G-reg Mini Metro. Now, although this does bear the name “Mini” it’s a very poor way to even use the word. Hell knows what Rover or British Leyland or whoever it was that built these was doing, but this is one naff vehicle. Just have a look at the lovely patch-up job that’s been done thanks to some 5-minute splatting with some body-filler. It’s sheer class, but the best bit has to be the tow-hook on the back. A 1.3 Mini Metro with a tow hook ? You gotta be joking right ? It’d split in two if it tried to pull anything!!! The only thing holding this together was the body-filler, which wasn’t painted, or rubbed down – just dolloped in quickly and then forgotten about.