The Winter Sales

The Boxing Day sales continue to drag on. Christmas Day itself is used by the shops purely as a massive advertising opportunity for getting their Boxing Day sales noticed…

“Sale starts 9AM Boxing Day! HURRY HURRY!”

… What ? You want me to get up at early on Boxing Day, after I’ve consumed enough red wine and turkey to keep half an army going, just to drive down to DFS and buy some bright blue sofa that you’re having trouble shifting ? Sod right off.

However, in a womans world there’s one massive sale you simply have to be at. It’s the Next sale. This sale didn’t start on Boxing Day, but instead on the 27th. The sale is so popular and so good that it starts at 5AM. Yes, you heard right – 5AM. Pretty much every piece of clothing is half price – and people at our local store in Tamworth were queuing up at 2AM. When Emily went the people behind the counter said that there were scuffles at 5AM as the place opened up. Meanwhile in Kent, at the Bluewater shopping centre there were 2000 people lined up outside the Next store at 3AM. Yes… you heard it right … 2000 muppets who are going an entire night without sleep. Sorry, this just doesn’t compute in my head. You’re standing outside a shop, with temperatures around -4 degrees C, waiting to get some clothes. Are you mad ? Why not go to another shop and get yourself a life!?

Sure, there’s some good deals at Next. Emily got up early and went down at around 10. “Do you want to come too?”, she asked. No I bloody well do not. Why? Well, a couple of years ago I experienced a Next sale. We were in Stafford and Emily said, “Let’s just pop in here”. I was already weighed down with bags from various stores, but nothing could prepare me for that shop. If Next was a nightclub there’d be serious health and safety problems. People were welded up the doors. The windows resembled my windscreen in the summer time – splattered faces like flies up the glass. When we got in my feet almost came off the floor. I was being squashed from all sides and I had literally no control over where I went. Imagine being caught in a strong tide whilst swimming – your feet are moving, but somehow you’re being pushed in another direction.

Now normally a room full of hot, sweaty women squashed up against me with their arms outstretched is something of a dream. However this .. this was something different. In my dream these girls are semi-naked, and they’re all trying to grab a piece of me. The reality is something different. The women are grabbing at clothes, arguing when another girl grabs the same item from the other side of the rail. They’re walking around with armfuls of tops, trousers, bras and dresses and they HATE the fact that you’re in the way.

So you can imagine the conversations we’ve had over the past few days as she’s continued to ask me to go to Next with her again.. and again. Today was the fourth visit and the fourth Next store. We have at least 3 years worth of clothes now, mainly for her. I, on the other hand, have the new Lee Evans DVD (the XL Tour) which I bought from Asda after avoiding Next sale once again. So, I’m happy.

Another thing about “this time of year” is all the get-fit videos. I like the look of this one in particular

It’s rated 15 and shows people how to do pole dancing and stuff. It’s billed as, “The Ultimate Sexy Workout” and features a top-heavy lovely bouncing around, panting a lot…. getting all hot.. Hmmm… Face it – this isn’t going to be purchased by many women is it ? I think it’s more likely that guys in long overcoats will be purchasing this, so let’s hope that the DVD comes with a free box of tissues eh ?