So what have I been up to this week? Well I almost offended the entire staff of the local Chinese by doing my “joke” whilst picking up some food….
“Hiya, I’ve come to collect an order in the name of ‘Leigh'”
“Ahh yes, Chicken Chow Mein and Special Chow Mein with rice yes?”
“Yep, that’s the one”
“Oh wait – you have battered chicken balls too.”
“Oh – that’s probably just the underwear I have on.”
A couple of people waiting laughed a bit, but the Chinese lady just went, “Solly?”. Her face dropped, like I’d just smashed her favourite ornament or something. I skulled out.
On Wednesday I went to the pub.. things didn’t get much better. England played Croatia and this happened…
The entire pub went mental. We had a good laugh about it though, especially when the camera cut to Steve McClaren who was busy scribbling something in his book. What was he doing ?! What the heck could you write in a book about that?
“Tell them to get grass sorted out”
..or..
“I told them not to use a Flymo”
..or…
“Must get Paul Robinson some clown shoes instead of boots… he might stand a better chance then.”
We then decided that football as a whole would be hugely entertaining if every player wore clown shoes. This we laughed at, a lot.
Beer is great. I love the logic you have after a few beers. You sort the world out with incredible ease and you even think that you should run for Prime Minister.
We got to talking about how hard it is to get to work in the morning with the huge 4×4’s / Land Rover / BMW X5 / people carrier being driven badly at 15mph by parents taking their kids to school half a mile away. Then a plan unfolded in our beer-fuelled heads. Perhaps they should change the start times for school. Ah yes, you may mock, it’s probably been thought of before but it’s such a simple solution. Some drunk ideas have made it to reality. I’m sure many drunk people have said..
“Why don’t they just let you use the hard shoulder (break-down lane) when the traffic is bad? That would sort things out”.
It’s a genius idea and I’m sure many thousands of people have thought of it whilst drinking beer over the years. Just recently someone in the Government had a few beers and made the whole thing a reality. Yes, I can now drive to Birmingham Airport on the hard shoulder without hitting much traffic. Genius.
The next day I drove home from work, thinking of tweaking our traffic plans further when I looked in the rear view mirror. It may actually surprise you but my Great, Great Grandfather invented the rear-view mirror. It’s true. He’s never looked back since.
(That was a joke)
Anyhow. In the mirror I saw a “Taxi” sign. It looked as if it was sitting on my boot. I looked a bit further down and saw a rather enraged driver who obviously wanted to get past me. I wasn’t too bothered by this as I had some pleb in a BMW in front who wasn’t using a car kit and was swerving into lane 2 every now and then. Eventually though the Taxi flew past us. It was a Ford Mondeo and looked like it had avoided every single car wash in the land. The back of the taxi was caked in black diesel smoke and someone had written, “Cleaned by the NHS” on the rear. Charming. What is it about taxi drivers? I reckon Nigel Mansell or David Coulthard were once taxi drivers. They’ve obviously perfected the art of making a car go faster than it’s physically designed to go and they drive like nutters. I’m yet to find a taxi which doesn’t have “battle damage” or some half-blind driver doing his best to weave between the “blobs” on the road.
Anyhow, I got home and continued reading “The Gospel According to Chris Moyles” – an autobiography written by the Radio 1 DJ of the same name. It has a few grammatical errors and it’s perhaps a little disorganised but you can forgive him for that. I mean, he had to work in Stoke-on-Trent, which is a lot to ask for – I should know I do it daily. The next morning I was driving to work and Chris played the new Jamiroquai single called “Runaway”. To be honest .. it… sounded like every other one he’s ever done. In fact I found myself singing the lyrics to “Space Cowboy” over the top of it without even realising it was a different song. Still, J-Kay will no doubt get another couple of cars enxt week just to prove me wrong.
Right, I’d better crack on. Got stuff to do.. apparently.
Cluck, cluck, wibble wibble.