As you may or may not know, Katie Price and her husband Peter Andre have just released a truely painful new album called “A Whole New World“. The proceeds from this will, according to the information I have, go to good causes. It’s for this reason alone that the album appears to be selling (seriously, who is going to buy it for any other reason).
For those of you who are not aware, Jordan is famous for getting her fairly ample berjangers out at every opportunity whilst Peter is famous for some vile pop rubbish in the 90’s. Together their voices sound like a team of cats sliding down a black board. The best part of this though is the reviews on Amazon.co.uk..
“Ttday something new, something ground breaking has literally assaulted my ears like a sonic enema, purging everything that I thought I knew about music, leaving me feeling washed out, cleansed and ready to leave behind the old me, what I used to be, leaving me ready, ready for a whole new world.”
“It’s not often that you can buy a record which is sung by 3 huge t1ts.
Anybody taking this albumn or these artists seriously should be removed from society and placed into a secure unit somewhere where they can be looked after by people wearing white uniforms.”
Most of the reviews though do have more than a hint of sarcasm ;)
“This record is perhaps the most perfect album ever created. I sat alone, smiling and crying due to the sheer delight and perfection that this record offers. Scenes of playful puppies, tweeting birds and gambolling lambs flood into my mind, reminding me of happy times and the thoughts of those I love. Their voices soar like eagles, and the sheer non-commercialism of this album makes you feel proud to have bought it.”
“I think I am going to cry. I saw there were 5 stars and I wanted to give it more than 5. 6? 10? 100? A million? A quintillion? Mere number theory and the laws of physics cannot reflect the majesy of this recording. A whole new branch of advanced mathematics should be devised to reveal the truth of this… the second coming of music.”
“I cant believe just how perfect this album is, no other record in the world has ever come close to the beauty that is Pete and Katie. I used to have a collection of over 1,000 CDs but this one album has made them obsolete, for I shall never play one of them again, this will never leave my CD player. I have now parcelled up the rest of my music collection and am giving it away to those not fortunate enought to be able to afford this album… ”
1. A Whole New World – This is a Disney favourite from Beauty and the Beast. In the duet Pete sings Beauty’s part with a nutless falsetto that will leave you gasping for air. Jordan, with her jutting underbite, takes the Beast’s part and makes it her own. She really gets her teeth into it. Definitely. It’s worth getting the album just to hear Jordan get her teeth into the Beast’s part.
2. The Best Things In Life Are Free – This is the Monkees’ classic that Peter and Andre grab by the throat and sing into oblivion. Jordan’s good, too. He does the choreography on this one, and it shows! Stunning!
3. Endless Love – Bette Midler classic. Apparently Bette didn’t want anyone covering this track but when she heard Jordan’s last single she wept… salt tears… and she gave the song to them to do with as they will. Bette also promised never to sing again as long as Katie and Pete are alive. So. Result.
4. Islands In The Stream – The Sheppey/Canvey Anthem. Close your eyes and you could be standing outside Stars niteclub on a Saturday night with a used condom in your pocket and a brown ale bottle hanging out of your throat. Waiting for your boyfriend.
5. Tonight I Celebrate My Love For You – And don’t they just! The Jordan’s give full vent to their legendary romance in this number. It throbs! Apparently every morning, when his minders wake him and escort him to Jordan’s mansion from his quarters, Peter waves at Katie and blows her a kiss. Jordan lets him do this. Now, THAT’s love.
6. Cherish – Most people think this number was written by Hank Williams but, actually, it was penned by Rat Scabies of the Damned, and it’s none the worse for it. A pounding backbeat propels the plaintive cry of the lovestruck couple into an orgiastic maelstrom of confused lust. Put on extra lipgloss for this one. I know I do.
7. The Two Of Us – Kool and the Gang sung this originally, but it was rank. This is the definitive version with Peter on sitar and Katie on bagpipes, blowing her empty little head off.
8. I Come Down – When Pete first got diagnosed with this unusual complaint he was devastated, props to him for going public with it, I say. Apparently when Katie allows him into her compound for fertilisation purposes it’s like a pillow fight in a henhouse.
9. Don’t Go Breaking My Heart – This is a brand new number written by Katie. She wrote it herself. On the fridge. With magnetic letters. The original fridge is now in the British Museum. It’s a national treasure.
10. To Die For – Peter wanted at least one song on the album that reminded him of his childhood in Chernobyl, and this is it. You don’t hear the balalaika nearly enough on records nowadays, in my humble op. The zither ensemble and the choir of specially blinded orphans is the cherry on the cake.
11. I’ve Had The Time Of My Life – This should’ve been the new Bond song but it wasn’t any good so they put it on the end of the album. You’ll love it, though. It’s gritty and real. And two minutes twelve seconds long.
12. Lullaby – This is the song that Pete and Katie sing their kids at home. It’s a masterpiece. Recorded at their home you can hear Hollyoaks on the telly in the background with Pete messing around with his decks while Katie repeatedly shouts, “GO TO SLEEP! DON’T MAKE ME COME UP THERE!”