How to totally avoid the petrol price increases

Another 70 ($140) of petrol goes in and we’re still doing nothing about it. Sure, everyone is feeling the “pinch” but with gas and electric prices rumoured to increase yet again, I think it’s getting to the point where simply getting to work and back, eating food and trying to keep warm in your own home is costing more than you earn.

Our PM is asking the oil companies to increase production, yet there’s still a HUUUUUUGE tax on fuel which simply penalises those who drive further to get to work. Personally I think it should be the other way around – if you only drive less than 2 miles a day you should have your car taken off you and be forced to ride a bike. End of.

So I’ve come up with a solution to the whole petrol price problem. Whilst many emails get fired across the internet asking to boycott petrol stations and start protests (that never seem to gain traction for some reason), I’ve got the ideal solution to these escalating petrol costs…

First, you need to go and watch the new Indiana Jones movie. Next, buy a rope. No, no, don’t worry – it’s not that sort of solution. This involves buying a rope and attaching it to your tow-hook at the front of your vehicle. Keep the other end tucked into your car through the sun-roof or window. Now, when you hit the motorway for your long journey to work, position your car behind a large foreign lorry. There’s plenty of these on most UK motorways – they pay no road tax and usually buy fuel from outside the UK, therefore not paying anything towards our taxes and the damage they do to our roads. Plus they’re putting UK hauliers out of business, so (without being too xenophobic) they’re a good choice.

Now, carefully position your car behind one of these and grab your rope. You will need to match the speed of the lorry exactly for this to work. Grab your rope and, using the skills you picked up whilst watching Indiana Jones, lasso the rope onto the back of the trailer. If you have problems with this, you may be able to drive alongside the truck and simply hang out the window and place it onto the trailer. There’s usually metal bars either side of the number-plate to do hook onto, so this should be fairly easy. Now simply turn off your engine and you get a free ride to your desired junction. The best bit about this is that the foreign trucks sometimes don’t have speed restrictors fitted, so you can be doing around 60-65mph without a problem.

When you get near to your destination you’ll need to either…

a) Use your Indiana Jones tricks to hop out of your sun roof, jump onto the bonnet (hood) of your car and detach the rope

b) Fit some sort of release mechanism to your rope.

c) Start your engine, drive alongside (as if you’re on a waterski) and un-hook the rope.

You should now be able to get to work and back for hardly any cost at all. Job done.