A statement about our Economy

A statement from Chancellor Alistair Darling today reads…

“Yes, inflation has just jumped up. Yes, food prices have gone through the roof and petrol now costs more than the Millenium Dome. We, your Government, are aware of this. We know that your gas is delivered in gold-plated pipes and people are starting to use candles to avoid big electric bills. Sure, house prices have collapsed and your local pubs are closing up because the beer is now nearly 3 per pint.

People have suggested that we cut taxes to help you, but we’ve chosen instead to blame the “global economy” for your problems. However, today we would like to reveal our brilliant new plan. A way to release the UK population from the grip of the credit crunch.

The new plan involves giving up your job. Go on, quit. Now go down the local job centre and get signed on for benefits. Don’t worry about actually looking for a job, just tell the lady behind the counter that you’ve “looked in the papers” and they’ll pay you. We also have lots of translators on hand if you can’t be bothered to learn English, and they’ll tell you how to claim benefits in your language.

Perhaps the best part of this plan is that you get a free house. Yes, free – who needs ever-rising mortgages? Not the great British public, oh no. This clever step will not only remove your mortgage payment, it will also stop you having to drive a car – saving you stacks of cash in petrol, insurance and maintenance. We’ll even give you money for food and, if you’d like to get even more cash, you can carry on working ! Don’t worry, we’ll never find out.

Wehay! Come on Britain ! Why bother paying for petrol to get to work or forking out for expensive beer while talking to friends at the local pub? Just go down Tesco and use your Giro payment to get 60 cans of lager for just 20… result!!!”