Ikea and Asda..

This week (I say “this week” but it’s only Monday) I am bloody knackered. Why? Well, I spent another Saturday at Ikea buying wardrobes. I also had to endure the “cramming the crap into the car”-thing after purchasing it. See, as a bloke – three flat-pack wardrobes, plus plants, pots, accessories, drawers, shelves, lights and other gubbins should EASILY fit into a Corsa. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the system at Ikea, you generally buy smaller things and put them in a yellow bag. Then, should you want bigger stuff – like a desk or table, you just note down the number and then pick it out of the warehouse bit toward the end of the “maze from hell”. If you want even bigger stuff – like a wardrobe or bed, then you have it “picked” for you and put onto a trolley.

So imagine the scene. I have a big yellow bag crammed full of stuff, then a trolley with wardrobe bits on it (trays, shelves etc)… plus flowers and stuff. Then we go to the till where the toilet-roll-style receipt is given to us and we go on to the picking point where we get another trolley with huge long cardboard boxes packed onto it. After navigating the exit and wasps you have to stop – you cannot take the trolley onto the carpark. You’re caged in. You and several hundred other husbands / boyfriends .. you all watch as the missus trots off to get the car, which is then reversed toward the “pen” so that you can slide in your boxes. At least.. that’s the plan. After watching the missus fly past me, then reverse up and park the car in FORWARDS (never a good plan unless you’re about to remove the windscreen and slot the boxes in that way), I reverse it back out and turn it round.

“These aren’t going to fit you know”, says she…

“Balls, cram them in”

“Don’t break the mirror”

“Balls to the mirror, shove it in”.

Now, this is / was a brand new Corsa. You wouldn’t think you could fit what we actually fitted into that car. In fact, when it was all crammed in I could only just change gear, plus things kept moving whenever I braked / turned / ac…… well, moved. Every time I took a left turn then wardrobe door slid across and hit the hazard lights – then cars began overtaking us thinking we were breaking down.

When we eventually got home and had some food she had the bright idea of “putting them together”.. at 9.30.. on a Saturday night. No.. I don’t think so. But there I am, trying to watch “Die Hard” when I hear a crash from upstairs.. yup… she’s putting them together. 3 hours later and we’ve done one.. nightmare.

Sunday was pretty much the same, except this time we did the other wardrobe and then aligned the doors, then put all the accessories in, then moved all the clothes across. Coupled with other stuff we did yesterday it meant that I got to bed at 1AM on Sunday. THEN … THEN .. I got up at 4.20 AM to take my brother to East Mids airport. 3 hours sleep.. here I am.. using the “oh my god, I’m at work at 7AM” extra time to write this …

Oh, and we went to Asda on Friday, where I took a photo of this incredibly weird anti-snoring product. Now – I can understand why people buy it, but how ridiculous do these people look? Can you imagine waking up next to your lovely wife / girlfriend when you’re both wearing chin-straps?!

Oh, and hi to anyone in Asda Stafford who heard me and the missus discussing my “Loaded” magazine. It went something like this…

“You’re not bringing that in the house – I thought it was just a mens magazine, which is fine, but then I saw THIS!!!”

(She flicks to a page in “Loaded Magazine”)

“WOAH! Love! That’s “Pornalikes!” That’s just a section where porno stars look slightly like celebrities ! Look, they’ve replaced that guys knob with a cartoon ice-lolly, so it’s not REAL porn … and that woman looks like Judith Chalmers… see??”

“My arse, no way mate”

A bloke came up to me afterwards, as I was reading some random PC magazine…

“Did you decide to go for that one in the end mate?”

“Yeah”, says I, “I like the quiet life”

“Don’t worry”, says he, “my wife is just the same”