“I’ve entered my local newspapers Baby of the Year competition with my photoshopped son, Juanzo – well, blow me…they printed it today.”
Huzzah! We’re giggling like loons. We also want you, dear readers, to vote for him so he can win the coveted prize.
This one is hard to describe – a chap (almost certainly Dutch) has rigged up a contraption with a lever and counterweights so he can move about like he’s on the moon. However, he but looks like he’s about to be bummed by a robot.
What appears to be actual footage of rogue actor Tom Cruise using his cruel, Scientology-derived powers to destroy Oprah Winfrey. Yes, the special effects really are that convincing.
Inspired product endorsement – “The bike folds, it’s metal thing that bends, who bends metal things?” You can practically see the wheels turning in the ad execs’ heads. We can only salute them for getting Uri Geller. Given the bending theme though, we can only wonder that David Beckham wasn’t asked…
Last week we asked for incidents in which insult had been added to injury.
#1 “I had just traumatically split up with my boyfriend of 4 years. To give us both a bit of space, I went to meet my Mum and Dad at their local pub for some tender loving care. The ‘rents were fine, but the family dog got a bit over excited to see me, jumped up at my chest, got both paws stuck in the neckline of my stretchy top and pulled, wrenching it down and exposing my bare tits to the pub at large. There was no need for that. There was also no need for my Mum and Dad to burst out laughing, thereby drawing attention to my deperate attempts to put myself away. There was certainly no need for the pensioner in the corner to raise his glass to me and doff his cap…” (clapper)
#2 “My dad and his mates on the way back from the pub saw a hiker in a nearby field gripping onto a pylon and shaking like a shitting dog. The horror slowly dawned on them – quick as pissed lightening, my dad’s mate Steve yelled ‘I know what to do here – stay back!’, wrenched a big fuck-off plank from a nearby fence, ran over and brought it down as hard as he could on the guy’s outstretched, pylon-clutching arm. The result was a blood-curdling scream, a shattered humerus, and Steve having to explain to the police why he’d smashed the arm of a radio mast engineer who’d stepped in a massive cow pat whilst crossing the field and had been innocently leaning on the tethering cable trying to shake the worst of it off his welly.” (grey kid)
#3 “I was 14 and was rushed to hospital with a burst appendix and acute peritonitis. With my mum sat by the bed, a nurse put the curtains round and handed me a (small) bowl of shaving foam and a razor. “What’s that for?” I asked in my weakened state. “I need to shave your pubic hair before the operation,” she replied, before lifting up the hospital gown, looking for a minute, considering, then saying “Actually, I think you’ll be OK as you are.” Great, I’m actually at death’s door and I’ve just been informed I’m underdeveloped. While my mum is in the room, sat right next to me. Nurses, next time some kid is in your ward and might not make it, don’t give him a puberty complex as his last living memory.” (Wascally Weasel)
More at – http://b3ta.com/questions/noneedforthat/