Spammed from every angle

Yet another fantastically lucky day for me by the looks of it. In my email this morning I’ve already won stacks of iPod Nano’s, bucket-loads of Gift Cards from Foot Locker / Starbucks / JC Penny / Walmart … and oh, oh oh.. let’s not forget the 10,000,000 I’ve won on the “UK Lottery”. Great stuff! I can add that to the $1.5 million I’ve won in the “PW National Lottery” and the $3.5 million I’ve won in the “Sweeps stake Lottery International”. Look, look below.. it just has to be real…

“We happily announce to you the draw of the Sweeps stake Lottery International programs held on the 1st of Jan 2005 in London. Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: 644 79543465 B44 which subsequently won you the lottery in the 3rd category.
You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of US$3,500,000.00(Three Million Five Hundred United States Dollars)”

It was held on the 1st of January ? Blimey, it’s taken them a while to tell me hasn’t it ? Stiil, all I have to do is email some guy at a random address and he’ll send me the cash. Not bad for a days work is it? All I did was click “Send / Receive”!

Arseholes… absolute arseholes.. It’s all total crap of course. It gets to the point where you question more than just email. Email is a crap way of telling someone something good. Even if someone you know says… “Hey, you’re great – I’m gonna send you ten quid”, I’d probably say, “Yeah right.. WHATever!”

I think it eventually spills over into everyday life. You become dubious of any offer. Automated diallers ring my home phone in the evening and some American recorded voice bellows down my phone..

“Hi. I’m calling from US Villas to tell you that you have been selected to win a two week holiday in Florida, stopping at one of our 5-star villas. Just press 9 to speak to a representative and claim your prize!”

I’ve grown tired of slamming the phone down now, as I do with the people who call my mobile and say…

“Hiya, I’m Mr Pleb from and I was wondering if you were interested in a brand new Nokia 2837 with flashy things and Crazy Frog ringtones”

No, no I don’t want it. I’d rather listen to George Bush for an hour and ask him how many states there are in America. See, you can’t tell these people to sod off. If you say, “Stop calling me! AGH! F**k off you low life!!!”, they’ll say, “Sorry Sir, we just have a computer which creates random numbers starting with 07866″… my ARSE! So why have I got 20 missed calls from “Unknown Number” then Mr Pleb ?

So anyway, I’ll switch back to the recorded voice from the Villa company. I now find that pressing “9” gives you free range to annoy the hell out of them. Pressing “9” gets you to a real person. It’s some temp sitting in the offices of “RipOff Villa Hire” in Texas or somewhere….

“Hello, my name’s Tabitha, I’ll be taking your call today. How can I help you?”

“It’s about the prize.”

“Yes sir, congratulations. Can I take your name and phone number, then I’ll be able to process your claim right away.”

“Well, you’ve already got that haven’t you?”

“Errr…. Yes sir, but we need to confirm it first so that we can validate your claim.”

(She’s obviously wise to this line of questioning)

“OK. Well, I think you may have my girlfriends’ name. Her name is Heather Horny, and the number is 0906 55 66 44. Call her anytime. Do you need to speak to her? She’s not here right now.”

“No, no that’s fine Sir. We’ll get your claim processed right away.”


“Pardon Sir?”


“I’m .. I’m not sure… OK. For the next stage of the claim I’ll need to inform you of a small claim fee which we..”


“Sir, I think we may have someone else on the line..”

“Cheese spread.”

“Sir, I’m going to call you back on your girlfriends number, I think we have a problem on the line..”

“Cheesy cheese burgers”


I did actually do this the other day and she was confused as hell. I’m hoping that she tried to call the number too, which will probably get her through to some random adult chat-line. So yeah, I’m constantly dismissive of “free” offers. Anything that’s too good to be true probably is. In fact, if I ever actually do win something – something real, that exists – I’ll probably ignore it or bin it. If I opened the door tomorrow morning and there was a scantily-clad woman, camera crew, baloons and a guy with a large cheque saying, “To Mr. Leigh Geary – 4,504,000. Signed, National Lottery”, I’d probably tell them to all go and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine, then slam the door shut.

Right, I’d better go. My free Rolex is telling me that it’s nearly lunch time. I’ve got loads to do – there’s this email from “Ms. Mariam Mohammed” which I’ve got to reply to…

“…I am Ms.Mariam Mohamed the wife of the late Dr. Rashidi Mohammed who was one of the aid to the former leader of my country Iraq before he was killed in a war in my as a surprise but I honestly do not intend to surprise you. I write this letter in respect of my intention to invest the sum of US $20,000,000.00 with you. The fund is now with the Financial Firm .In view of this plight, I expect you to be trustworthy and kind enough, I hereby agree to compensate your sincere and candid effort in this regard with 28% of the total fund”, now there’s a deal. All I need to do is call +66-1-3821283 .. Hmm.. that’s a number in Thailand .. strange.. I thought she was in Iraq.. she gets about doesn’t she ??! I’ll bet .. I’ll bet a fairly hefty sum (I’ve got several million in winnings, so I’m ok for cash).. I’ll bet that if I called this number I’d get Tabitha from the bloody Villa place!

However, I don’t have time to call her. I’m far to busy buying “Che4p p3nny st0ck!”. Apparently these stocks are set to “explode” any day. Wow.. it’s a good job that only I have this email and no-one else isn’t it ?!

I’ve also got some cheap software and muscle-boosting pills to buy. There’s also some other pills, which I’m a bit confused about. I can’t quite figure out if I want the pills that “put inches on” or the ones that “take inches off”.. strange. Maybe I’ll just not buy them and then I’ll stay the same?

I’m really in demand too – I’ve got about 20 emails from people asking me to join their company. Wow! All these years I’ve been working hard to learn stuff, to educate myself and climb the career ladder, then suddenly I get an offer of $600 a week working for some random “finance company”. Wow.. Lucky me eh ?..

“Today we are looking for financial assistants that will be responsible to accept payments from clients through bank transfer, because of imperfection of bank system. UK partners of our clients have some difficulties with sending bank translations and cheques.”

Wait up.. I think this may be the problem that Ms. Mariam Mohamed is having! Aha! If I can get that job then I could help to put her massive cheque into my own bank account AND steal some cash out of the bank at the same time!

Anyway.. I’ve really got to go now. I’ve been asked to fill in a highly important “Who do you think delivers better Search Results, Yahoo